Getting cancer made me feel really alone in some ways. Like, no one else around me was losing their hair or going bald. Being bald made – still makes – me feel insanely unique. I didn’t know anyone my age going through cancer. I celebrated my 19th birthday at home, recovering from a tough round of chemo, while my friends headed out to bars to party and toast their 19ths. Having cancer was a lonely experience.

It was also such a shock. My entire family describes the day I got diagnosed with lymphoma as the most shocking day of our lives. Before, I was such a regular 18-year-old. I felt and seemed healthy. I went to the gym all the time – I was really into bodybuilding. I was in school studying hairdressing. I had a boyfriend. I had a part-time job. Like, so typical. I went from thinking my life was fine one day to being in the hospital the next. Getting chemo, losing my hair – it was all happening before I could register the shock.

My family has been so supportive through everything. I live with my parents and my two brothers, along with two bunnies and a dog. They’ve all been so great. My friends and cousin have also been so supportive. But no one really fully got what I was going through.

Going to a Look Good Feel Better (LGFB) workshop was one of the most helpful things for getting me to feel less lonely. I was nervous to go, but I’m so glad I did. My mom came with me. It was genuinely such a nice night out. Everyone was super nice and we all had some good laughs, like when no one knew I was wearing a wig and I just whipped it off. I was going through a hard time, and a lot of things sucked. Getting to go to a girls’ night, receiving free makeup, and having people help me was so awesome.

And the makeup was super fun. I’ve finished my treatment now, but I still don’t have my hair. Putting on both my wig and makeup helped me to feel prettier, and a bit more like myself. I don’t think I would’ve started wearing makeup if I hadn’t gone to the LGFB workshop. I like being able to put on my wig and makeup and to go out and feel OK. I was so scared to lose my hair, but it ended up being totally fine. I’m having fun with it and if anything, I feel more confident now because I have long, blonde, thick hair and when I go out, nobody really knows that it’s not mine. It’s true: when you look good, you do feel better. 

Getting diagnosed so young has definitely been scary. I wonder, is this going to affect me for a long time? I’m sure it will, right? I think about the checkups I’ll need, the precautions I’ll have to take, the things I’ll have to consider.

But it’s also given me a different perspective on things. I’m really grateful for the simple things now. Going to a restaurant with friends, or for coffee, or to the movies, or for a walk – these moments are so special now. If there are little things that you enjoy, just do them, you know?

By Adriana Lombardo

I went for chemotherapy at Princess Margaret Cancer Centre once a week for two years.

The first time I went I didn’t realize I’d spend a full day there. I didn’t know what to pack at first. I brought along one water, a granola bar, and a book to my first chemo appointment.

Soon afterward, the nurse explained to us that although you may have a “set-time” for blood and chemo, it doesn’t necessarily mean that that is when you get called in. She told us that it takes a while for the blood results to come back and once they are cleared by the nurse practitioner, then chemo gets ordered.

Once chemo gets ordered, it’s a matter of the pharmacy making the order, which takes time.

From that day on, I always made sure to pack my favorite items that I always kept on-hand – not only for chemo, but wherever I went during treatment.

Crackers & Other Dry Goodies

I was on steroids for two years and a bit.

It was brutal during my intensification phase (30 weeks of high dose steroids) where I usually had heartburn or nausea and needed to munch on something dry to feel better.

Crackers were my go-to and always a staple item to have in my bag because I just never knew when I’d get the steroid munchies.

Other dry, salty goodies like popcorn or even bread, made it a lot easier to keep my hunger at bay most of the time…seeing as I was hungry all the time.

Let’s be honest, I always carried some sort of food on me whether it be sandwiches, rice, or leftover pasta.

I would whip it out of my bag and set myself up with a mini picnic.

Different Hats

I had purchased a wig at the Wig Salon at PMH but I only wore it twice because I preferred to go bald and just wear hats out of comfort.

I purchased pretty much every single hat in that store and then some!

I liked carrying around different style hats to change into whether at the hospital, at an appointment or while I was out.

At one point of treatment, changing hats for me was like changing shirts and never knowing which to wear because I just had too many options…yup, that was me! But hey, it’s not like I can’t transition them into everyday hats now that my hair is back.

Chapstick & Moisturizer (LOTS OF IT)

I expected skin changes as one of the side-effects, but because it was the winter time, I had extra chapped lips and extra dry hands. I had to reapply my Chapstick at least three times within the hour and constantly moisturize my hands to prevent them from cracking.

Water

While taking steroids, I found it extremely difficult to keep up with any hydration because everything tasted like metal to me, but I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t try and force myself to drink because then it would lead to other problems…if you know what I’m saying.

At least carrying the bottle with me would encourage me to drink it, not only because it made my bag heavier (motivating me to finish it), but also because it stuck out of my bag, so I knew it was always there right in front of my face.

Sunscreen

Anyone and everyone should always make sure to apply some sort of protection to their skin.

I never thought that I’d start wearing sunscreen during the winter months, but I had to once I learned about all the risks associated with sun exposure during chemotherapy.

As much as it scared me, it put me in place knowing that I needed to constantly reapply it, even if I was just driving around in the car.

Now, it has just become a habit of mine to always apply it in the morning and carry it in my bag to reapply it throughout the day. The small travel size options, or the ones that come in the Look Good Feel Better kit are a great size to have on you.

Antibacterial Soap/Wipes

“Disinfect everything!” are the words that stuck with me throughout my entire treatment.

The nurses made it very clear that germs loved me at this point – being immunosuppressed and all.

I was susceptible to catching anything, so I had to make sure that my hands and any surfaces were always clean.

It was embarrassing at first, having to disinfect tables at the mall in food courts if I went to buy a coffee with family or friends, being extremely cautious in public bathrooms, and even if I was having a picnic at parks…people looked at me funny but I knew I had to be careful. Maybe my actions remind them of the pandemic.

I grew used to the idea of being “safe,” and embraced what I was going through when I had to do it.

If people looked at me funny or stared, I’d smile and say, “I know, right!? How can someone fighting cancer and going through chemo look this great bald?” or “I pay my oncologist big bucks to look the way that I do.” *wink*”

People thought I was ridiculous, but what did I care. I was going through this, not them, so there was absolutely no need for it to bother them in any way, shape, or form.

Just learn to laugh about it and then people will laugh with you.

Books/Magazines & Entertainment

You need to pass the time somehow. During treatment, I grew to love psychology and self-help books. I found them to be quite insightful at this point in my life. I was already going through a life-changing experience, which made me begin to question everything, so I decided to take that time and re-evaluate my whole life and give it a makeover.

Plus, I always had my cellphone on me for social media, games, and texting.

Make sure to carry around things like books, magazines, or crossword puzzles, because you’ll find you’ll have a lot of time on your hands while going to treatment or other appointments. You might as well make the most of it.

Vitamins/Medication

I always found myself to be out and about at the point when my medication or vitamins were due. I found it a lot easier to just carry them around in a cute little makeup bag that I had purchased solely for that purpose. That kept everything safe, clean, and in a place that I knew would always be in my bag.

Teens – This Workshop is just for you

Figure out what works for you during treatment, from gentle skincare routines and makeup hygiene to cute head wrap styles, wigs and nails in a space that gets what you’re going through.

By Adriana Lombardo

Let me be blunt with you. These past few months have been crap – to put it politely.

Only now is it hitting me: Survivor’s Guilt.

Why did I survive a deadly disease while I had to bury people I’ve met along the way?

Why am I finding it so difficult to move forward with my life without feeling extremely guilty?

This sucks!

I knew this feeling may come. I’d heard of survivor’s guilt and was aware of the emotions I had yet to face, but to be honest with you, I had started living and actually enjoying life without having to worry about appointments, etc, that I didn’t think it was going to happen.

I thought I was one of the lucky ones who wouldn’t go through it – who am I kidding. 

As sad as this may be, or as weird as it may come across, I miss having cancer.

Weird, huh?

Who would ever say such words?

Let me explain:

Life was easier when I was sick; at least it seemed to be.

I didn’t have much to worry about other than chemo, appointments, procedures, if the cancer was going to kill me or not, you know, the usual “cancer stuff.”

Now that I’m back “in the real world,” I find myself struggling to accept that chapter has now closed.

It was two-plus long years of fighting and not having any worries about anything other than me.

I’ve moved on, almost as if nothing ever happened, but I find myself holding onto anger and pain and all these other emotions that I have never accepted until now.

I smiled all throughout my treatment – a genuine smile – but now I find I’m faking one to show people that I’m still alright.

How do you explain to people that while going through cancer I was genuinely doing fine, but now I feel as if I’m not?

I know it’s not up to me to explain this to anyone but that’s the thing about society – once you’ve gone through any sort of heartache, they expect you to pick up and keep going without actually acknowledging what you’ve gone through.

But that’s just it: once you’re “healed” or “cured”, people stop asking how you are because they assume everything is alright. That you’re “back to normal”.

I’m still trying to figure out my new normal while juggling these emotions.

It saddens me to know I had to remove my rose-coloured glasses at such a young age and that the benefit of the doubt doesn’t really exist once you’ve gone through cancer.

You see things and people for what and who they really are.

Anger and frustration followed.

Like I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of emotions that I’m battling now with Survivor’s Guilt.    

It’s a matter of finding a balance between not letting go and moving forward.  

I’m going to challenge myself for the next month. My goal is not to have it all figured out, but to accept what I’m feeling and just let myself feel it.

No one will ever have it figured out, so why should I?

I’m not sure that I’ll figure out why I’m feeling the way that I do, but I do owe myself ways of figuring out how to deal with it.

It’s going to be challenging but I’m going to learn to love myself all over again for the sake of my mental health and wellbeing.